Self-Compassion vs. Self-Discipline; How to Know Which One We Need
When self-compassion becomes a cop out or an excuse and self-discipline turns into a toxic shame cycle, they can both be detrimental to our well-being if practiced in extremes. Balancing self-compassion and self-discipline can be challenging, so I’ve developed what I’m calling the ‘S’ framework to help us identify when each approach is needed.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is a practice in meeting yourself where you’re at and accepting that state, whatever it may look like. It means letting go of societal (and personal) expectations of what you or your life “should” be like and, instead, honoring your actual, current state of being. It does not mean that you have to LOVE everything about yourself or your current circumstances - nor does it mean that you cannot desire change. Rather, it involves observing, accepting, and practicing non-judgment toward yours situation, which actually increases the likelihood of achieving any changes you seek.
Times When We Need More Self-Compassion:
When we’re…. Sad/Grieving
Simply put, sadness and loss can flip our lives upside down. It can be disorienting, deregulating and emotionally disruptive. During these emotionally heightened states, we cannot expect ourselves to perform at our best or be at our peak. Our only real ‘job’ in these periods, is to tend to our emotions with kindness, patience and intentional care. Tuning into what we need in each moment — acknowledging that our needs will vary — and honoring that completely, will eventually help us to heal. It is crucial during these times not to impose pressure, expectations, or “shoulds” on ourselves, as this can make our sadness and grief heavier and more prolonged.
When we’re… Shifting/Transitioning
When we’re shifting or transitioning—whether adjusting to a new job, relationship, living environment, or a significant change in life such as parenthood or a recent breakup—we should avoid placing too many expectations on ourselves. During these periods, our nervous system is often overstimulated, and most of our energy goes into regulating it. This leaves little space for productivity, so it’s important to be kind and patient with ourselves as we navigate this phase.
It can be helpful to set a timeframe for this adjustment period to check in with ourselves, ensuring we’re not using the transition as an excuse long after the change has occurred and our nervous system has re-regulated. For instance, if we’re still struggling after 6-12 months, it may be time to re-evaluate whether we are still in transition or if we’ve become ‘stuck’ and could benefit from additional self-discipline.
When we’re… Shaming Ourselves
When we’re shaming ourselves, it creates a toxic cycle that ultimately keeps us stuck. We cannot shame ourselves—or others—into change. If we find ourselves trapped in a cycle of negative self-talk or self-judgment, it is especially important to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook; rather, it means accepting all parts of yourself and your current circumstances to create space for the change you’re seeking, rather than staying stuck because you feel like a lost cause. Self-compassion in the face of shame looks like this: “I’m unhappy with how I’ve handled things so far, but those choices don’t define me as a person. I will focus on what I can control and do differently moving forward.”
When we’re… Sick
When we’re sick, our body’s energy is focused on healing itself, leaving us with much less energy for other activities such as work, social commitments, household chores, and errands. Being sick is an ideal time to practice self-compassion for the things we’re unable to accomplish or attend to. It’s important to be gentle with ourselves and recognize that taking care of our health is a priority.
What is self-discipline?
To me, self-discipline is self-honesty. It means aligning with your needs, goals, and values. It involves reclaiming control over your life rather than succumbing to poor habits, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or vices. Self-discipline doesn’t involve berating or shaming yourself; instead, it requires intentionality and mindfulness to help you live the life you aspire to. It’s not about aggressively pushing yourself toward goals that aren’t truly aligned with your values, but rather about looking inward to understand what you genuinely want and taking consistent actions to achieve that.
Times When We Need More Self-Discipline:
When we’re… Self-Sabotaging
When we consistently act in ways that are misaligned with our goals, needs, and values, some self-discipline may be necessary. It’s normal to veer off course and show up imperfectly from time to time, but we usually know when we’ve allowed bad habits and unhealthy coping skills to go too far. At such moments, self-discipline can help us recalibrate and refocus, bringing us back to a path that better supports our long-term well-being. Recognizing these patterns and taking intentional steps to address them can lead to meaningful growth and progress.
When we’re… Stuck
When we’ve been stuck in a prolonged period of stagnation and our current routine is no longer effective in moving us forward, some self-discipline may be required to create an energetic shift. This often involves changing aspects of our routine or habits to uncover new sources of motivation and energy. Instead of continuing to spin our wheels and repeating the same actions while hoping for different results, making intentional adjustments can help break the cycle and spark the change we seek.
When we’re… Spiraling
Rumination and thought spirals rarely serve us well. If we find ourselves caught in cognitive distortions such as thought spiraling, black-and-white thinking, or catastrophizing, thoughtful self-discipline may be necessary to implement mindfulness techniques that can help us break free from these states. By practicing intentional mindfulness and applying strategies to challenge and reframe these distorted thoughts, we can regain a healthier perspective and reduce the impact of negative thinking.
When we’re… Self-Pitying
There’s nothing quite like feeling sorry for ourselves or believing that the world is against us to keep us stuck and unmotivated. When we see ourselves as victims with no control over our lives, it’s easy to lose motivation. If you find yourself in a state of self-pity, it’s likely that you’ve taken self-compassion a bit too far. While it’s important to be kind to yourself, acknowledge your feelings, and grieve what needs to be grieved, it’s equally crucial to exercise self-discipline in the areas of your life where you still have control. Without this balance, you risk remaining stuck in a cycle of inaction and despair.
Striking the right balance between self-compassion and self-discipline is key to personal growth and well-being. While self-compassion helps to cultivate resilience and emotional health during setbacks, self-discipline drives progress and helps achieve long-term goals. By checking in with ourselves & recognizing when each quality is needed, we can navigate challenges more effectively and create a more supportive and productive approach to our journey.
Subscribe to my blog & stay tuned for a future post on tangible tips & practices for implementing more self-compassion and/or more self-discipline.
