5 Simple Ways to Stay Connected to Your Partner

It can be increasingly difficult to stay meaningfully connected to our partners amidst a busy life. Even if we spend a great deal of time physically together, it doesn’t always mean we feel emotionally connected. Like anything, our relationships require intentionality, thoughtfulness and effort in order for them to thrive.

My husband and I have been together for over five years now, and while our relationship is currently very solid, that hasn’t always been the case. We’ve experienced our fair share of disconnection, disagreements, and misalignment over the years, made more complicated by our anxious-avoidant (me-him) dynamic. Through couples therapy, open communication, and some trial and error, we have found tools that help us to both feel secure on a consistent basis.

Here are five strategies we started implementing that have helped us remain connected through the busiest of times — me owning a business, him going to grad school, us moving to a totally new place, etc.

As a therapist for anxiously-attached millennial women, I’ve also assisted numerous clients in finding improvement in their relationships through these same strategies. Not only do they report a greater sense of connectedness to their partners, but they also experience better communication, increased confidence, and a greater sense of security overall.

Start Each Day With a ‘Launch’ & End Each Day with a ‘Landing’

A simple way to stay connected to one another is to establish a consistent ritual or routine that you do daily—no matter what—to bookend your days together. It can be something very simple, but the key is having a consistent connection point regardless of what else is happening in your lives or your relationship. It’s a small gesture that says, “Hey, we might be going through it right now, but we’re still on the same team.”

My husband and I start each day with a long hug, which we call our “launch.” We end each day by sharing a high and a low from the day, which we call our “landing.” Other examples might include drinking coffee or tea together, expressing something you’re appreciative of, or simply saying “I love you.”

Occasionally, we’ll also ask for a “re-launch” if one of us is feeling disconnected or if we’ve had a moment of tension. It’s a simple gesture that offers us a sense of security and realignment no matter what.

Use a Shared Calendar

Using a shared calendar can significantly improve communication and alignment with one another, especially during busy times. While we can certainly verbalize what our schedules look like, I’ve learned that we can’t (and shouldn’t) expect our partner to memorize it. For those who lead busy lives, a shared calendar can minimize communication mishaps and make planning activities together easier. It also helps both you and your partner be aware of what the other has on their plate, allowing you to recognize days when one of you might feel overwhelmed, stressed, or in need of support.

My husband and I share a car at the moment, so being mindful of each other’s schedules is especially important. We usually keep a dry-erase calendar on the refrigerator where we note weekly appointments and events. We also use a shared Google Calendar for more specific, day-to-day activities. Find a system that works for you and your partner to stay informed about what the other has going on, helping you remain on the same page.

Have Weekly, Bi-Weekly or Monthly ‘Check-Ins’

A check-in is a scheduled meeting that you and your partner have to discuss the relationship and address any outstanding issues, concerns, or topics. Think about it: we have check-ins or “meetings” for every other area of our lives—work meetings, physical check-ups, and many of us even have therapy sessions for a weekly “check-in” with ourselves. Our relationships deserve the same attention and care.

First, decide on a frequency. If you’re in a newer relationship and still working to understand each other better, or if you’re going through a particularly difficult time, you may want to have these weekly. However, if you’re in a good rhythm and don’t have much to address, a monthly cadence may suffice. Set a timer for an agreed-upon amount of time (i.e. 30 minutes, 45 minutes, or an hour). Start by sharing moments of connection or appreciation for each other and discussing things that are going well. Next, share any concerns you have or issues you want to discuss. My husband and I also use this time to talk about upcoming plans and discuss whatever book we’re reading together. Use the time in a way that makes the most sense for you as a couple.

A common misconception is that we should only implement something like this if our relationship is in crisis. However, this practice can actually serve as a preventative measure to minimize the likelihood of a small issue becoming a bigger problem down the road. Additionally, if you tend to be emotionally reactive, knowing you have designated space to intentionally address issues in these check-ins may help reduce the urge to react to every big or small issue that arises in between.

Read a Book Together

Any shared experience can bring us closer and help us feel more connected. Reading is a simple option that can be done at each person’s own pace. By choosing a book to read together and discussing our thoughts, perspectives, and takeaways, we can gain a deeper understanding of each other’s values and needs.

While you may opt for fiction if you both share the same taste, you might also consider reading a relationship-focused book that provides new insights, considerations, or discussion points. Some of my favorites include Attached, The 5 Love Languages, and The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. There are also some great couples workbooks if you prefer something a little more hands-on.

Schedule Both Date Nights & Solo Time

Scheduling date nights is probably the most common piece of advice you’ll hear for staying connected—and for good reason. Even if you’re around each other all day, planning intentional time for one another is very different from just going through the daily motions. It provides a shared experience, an opportunity to do something new or different, and a chance to focus on each other amid our busy lives.

In my relationship, I’m often the planner—and sometimes I don’t want to be. One strategy that has worked for us is alternating who plans the date night. I’m usually more inclined to go out and do something, while my husband prefers to stay in and engage in activities at home. This alternating approach allows us both to enjoy experiences that align with our differing needs.

It may sound counterintuitive that I included the scheduling of "solo time" in a post about how to stay connected, but I truly believe that the balance of time together and apart is crucial. If we spend so much time together that we neglect to reconnect with ourselves, it becomes impossible to be fully present for and connected to each other. My husband and I have a designated day or night of the week for solo time and of course find other pockets of time for ourselves as we need it.

There are many ways to stay connected with each other in the midst of a busy world and these are just a few simple ideas. Find what works for you and your partner and prioritize it so you can be more connected, have better communication, be less resentful of each other and have a healthier, more secure relationship overall.